6.30.2010
Bright Frigid Black
Listen to me once..
I cannot breathe and I cannot speak.
I simply cannot live without you.
I wish that I did not fall in love.
I fucking hate the way I feel about you...
It's not fair that I suffer alone.
I did not choose to be this way!
I want to throw you out of my heart and take my love away.
All because of you, I cannot live...
With no end, there will be no beginnings.
I don't give a fuck if I die alone, I'm never going to put myself through this shit, ever.
Damn this self-destructing heart of mine,
Never again...
I will not love you anymore.
Not with my touch, not with my words, not with my eyes.
I will never allow myself to be so humiliated by you..
No love, no pain.
ej
6.26.2010
rainstorm
Shades of blue, grey and violet.
Together we dance...
You and I celebrate life.
Let go and feel your senses bloom...
The cool dense air. The cold sting of raindrops. Close your eyes and feel the rain run off your fingertips...
Listen to the low rumble of thunder in the distance..
Absolute purity.
The water washes away the pain inside.
Open your arms and fly away with me...
Let us bathe in heaven as we clense ourselves from moral sin.
Life is not so difficult, if one understands how to live...
ej
Together we dance...
You and I celebrate life.
Let go and feel your senses bloom...
The cool dense air. The cold sting of raindrops. Close your eyes and feel the rain run off your fingertips...
Listen to the low rumble of thunder in the distance..
Absolute purity.
The water washes away the pain inside.
Open your arms and fly away with me...
Let us bathe in heaven as we clense ourselves from moral sin.
Life is not so difficult, if one understands how to live...
ej
6.23.2010
At you
Living beauty before me...
You took control without asking. But that is who you are, isn't it?
We ran away from it all.
On the dark highway, I used my hands to see your face.
My lips softly pressed against yours.
Alone, we had the world at our fingertips...
The cold winter night.
A parking lot became a winter wonderland within a few minutes.
We laughed, we cried...
We were so alive.
At the party.
We were THE couple.
Do you remember when we got caught?
I could describe that night in one word...
Incredible.
The night my world fell apart.
You were there to keep me warm at night.
I cried alone in your apartment.
My body ached and my heart was screaming...
I never wanted you to see me on my knees.
The void inside of you, I will never be able to fill.
I also have a void.
The space you left in my heart, belongs to you.
She will attempt,
And she will fail...
Your curse.
My strength.
ej
You took control without asking. But that is who you are, isn't it?
We ran away from it all.
On the dark highway, I used my hands to see your face.
My lips softly pressed against yours.
Alone, we had the world at our fingertips...
The cold winter night.
A parking lot became a winter wonderland within a few minutes.
We laughed, we cried...
We were so alive.
At the party.
We were THE couple.
Do you remember when we got caught?
I could describe that night in one word...
Incredible.
The night my world fell apart.
You were there to keep me warm at night.
I cried alone in your apartment.
My body ached and my heart was screaming...
I never wanted you to see me on my knees.
The void inside of you, I will never be able to fill.
I also have a void.
The space you left in my heart, belongs to you.
She will attempt,
And she will fail...
Your curse.
My strength.
ej
6.19.2010
6.17.2010
Film Noir
In my dreams, as I lay in bed. The streetlamp outside casts long shadows through the blinds. Contrasting lines projected all over the room... all over you. I see your eyes, your lips between the stripes of darkness. Your figure, swaying slowly side to side.
Smoke from the cigarette rises in a tall, wispy column. My focus is on you now.
You move so slowly towards me. Fragrant perfume begins to tease my senses. Your delicate hand reaches out of the darkness and caresses my face. Cool to the touch. Soft... like silk. I place my hand over yours and close my eyes. I guide your palm closer to my quivering lips. Kisses on your fingers, they begin to trace the lines on my face.
I bring my other hand and place it upon your hip. My warm touch on your cool dry skin. I follow the lace with my ring finger and make my way to the small of your back. I begin to move my hand upward, just hovering over your skin. I trace your spine all the way up to the nape of your neck. Small hairs standing on end.
Soft skin...
I pull you in close and you wrap your legs around my torso. Your nails brush against my back as you embrace me. I bring my head in close and begin to kiss your jawline. I smell your sweet scent strong now. I kiss your earlobe and give it a small bite.
You become tense...
I then make my way towards the side of your neck. Breathing becomes heavier. Deeper. Sweet Scent becoming stronger...
A small kiss on the neck. I feel your breaths quiver helplessly.
I sink my teeth in.
Your warm nectar, sweet on my tongue.
Your nails dig deep on my back...
Into my flesh.
Honey...
Thick red, honey.
ej
Revolting indefinitely..
Dressed to deceive..
They are the men of my patria. Do I dare listen? Hear the flutter of your megalomaniacal words fly by like a swarm of locusts.. Exactly what they are. The plagues of my free society...
You, the perfect American developed in some top secret, government fucking lab. With the symbol of absolute freedom, pinned strategically onto the collar. And with the power of the voice, they vociferate! Abomination, blasphemy and the power of faith.
No, I alone do not have the ability to make political change. We are far beyond the point of recognition...
Homosexual love will never exist in this country if all our gay politicians keep resigning in shame!
I fear my country will never recover from the bigotry that keeps logic pinned underneath the weights of our own disposition. Freethinkers! Show yourselves above reproach!
And to my veterans. As the sole defenders of our freedom and liberty, we need to stop being humble and assemble a campaign to bring our moral authority back to the military. We are not crusaders...
To the executive branch...
Shut your mouth and listen to us.
We are all Americans, diverse in all her glory...
ej
P.S.
Mr. President, You assemble a committee to evaluate the disaster in the gulf. You also stated that your own personal prayers ARE the long-term solution? Sir, I can assess the situation for you. This shit is super-fucked and my solution is that you step out of your church and into a science laboratory to come up with a real solution...
Thank you.
They are the men of my patria. Do I dare listen? Hear the flutter of your megalomaniacal words fly by like a swarm of locusts.. Exactly what they are. The plagues of my free society...
You, the perfect American developed in some top secret, government fucking lab. With the symbol of absolute freedom, pinned strategically onto the collar. And with the power of the voice, they vociferate! Abomination, blasphemy and the power of faith.
No, I alone do not have the ability to make political change. We are far beyond the point of recognition...
Homosexual love will never exist in this country if all our gay politicians keep resigning in shame!
I fear my country will never recover from the bigotry that keeps logic pinned underneath the weights of our own disposition. Freethinkers! Show yourselves above reproach!
And to my veterans. As the sole defenders of our freedom and liberty, we need to stop being humble and assemble a campaign to bring our moral authority back to the military. We are not crusaders...
To the executive branch...
Shut your mouth and listen to us.
We are all Americans, diverse in all her glory...
ej
P.S.
Mr. President, You assemble a committee to evaluate the disaster in the gulf. You also stated that your own personal prayers ARE the long-term solution? Sir, I can assess the situation for you. This shit is super-fucked and my solution is that you step out of your church and into a science laboratory to come up with a real solution...
Thank you.
6.16.2010
Antimatter
How do I know, you might ask?
Where were you when I was in love?
When my world fell apart..
Where where you when I needed to find a way out?
My soul collapsing from within.
And where were you when I was alone?
You didn't pick me up, you did not carry me home.
Where were you when I called to you!
My knees soaked in blood...
Where were you when I asked to give me the strength to overcome that which kills me everyday?
The tears in my eyes and the bitterness in my heart.
Why you did not help.
Not because of you, I stand up and live.
ej
Where were you when I was in love?
When my world fell apart..
Where where you when I needed to find a way out?
My soul collapsing from within.
And where were you when I was alone?
You didn't pick me up, you did not carry me home.
Where were you when I called to you!
My knees soaked in blood...
Where were you when I asked to give me the strength to overcome that which kills me everyday?
The tears in my eyes and the bitterness in my heart.
Why you did not help.
Not because of you, I stand up and live.
ej
6.14.2010
My dark, black moon...
Its real beautiful out tonight.
Why don't we go for a walk...
I stepped up out tonight.
Wow. She looks real...
Dark with a sliver of light on her far side.
She makes me feel so...
Primal.
ej
Why don't we go for a walk...
I stepped up out tonight.
Wow. She looks real...
Dark with a sliver of light on her far side.
She makes me feel so...
Primal.
ej
6.11.2010
Intermission
I'm gonna take the night off...
Quickly, here are things on my mind tonight.
Looked online for a social group I could join and dedicate some of my free time to.
Thought about taking off to do some volunteer work in some far away country.
Earlier, I was thinking about how cool it would be to live with a group of monks for like 3 months.
Started working on a thinking bubble layout for this idea I've had floating around in my head.
Got to talk to a Vietnam vet today at work before we were so rudely interrupted by some chick who was feeling ignored...
Goodnight.
ej
Quickly, here are things on my mind tonight.
Looked online for a social group I could join and dedicate some of my free time to.
Thought about taking off to do some volunteer work in some far away country.
Earlier, I was thinking about how cool it would be to live with a group of monks for like 3 months.
Started working on a thinking bubble layout for this idea I've had floating around in my head.
Got to talk to a Vietnam vet today at work before we were so rudely interrupted by some chick who was feeling ignored...
Goodnight.
ej
6.10.2010
Identify
Who I was, August 2004.
Tomorrow I ship off to boot camp. I am so stoked!! I am ready to become one of the few. I just finished watching Full Metal Jacket and I am pumped up to get out of this town!! My mom and dad had a big party for my going away and got to see my chick. I'm gonna miss her. I'm gonna miss everyone! Semper Fi!
Who I was, Thanksgiving Day 2005.
Inmate# 561, Base Brig. My parents came to see me today. They drove all the way from Texas to see me for a few short hours. I wish I could go home. I don't belong here. I have been incarcerated for a little more than a month now and my girl doesn't come by much anymore. The last time I saw her, she reeked of booze and couldn't keep awake during our visitation. I don't like waiting a whole week just to "maybe" see her. Thinking of her keeps me going strong. I miss her so much. She's probably going though hell just like me. As long as we keep praying, God will help us pull though. I have faith in my heart. Just another month left. I can do this.
Who I was, August 2006.
I am a Private in the USMC. We just landed in Kuwait and it is hot as hell! I have now officially earned my overseas deployment ribbon! We fly to TQ tomorrow and then convoy to Fallujah. This is what I've trained for. I am gonna come back home a war hero and tell my stories to everyone. I gotta say that I am a little scared though. The older Marines tell ugly stories about this place. They say that combat is a guarantee and that not all of us will come home. But I am ready. This is my calling. Ooh-Rah!!
Who I was, March 2007.
Camp Pendleton. I can see them though the windows. Waiting for us with their giant signs waving in the air. "Welcome Home" I grab my gear and get ready to get off the bird. I'm looking for my wife but can't find her. There are too many people here...
I did it. I made it home. Something is wrong inside though. I'm scared to get off the plane. Everyone is going to want to ask me about the war.. what do I tell them? Do I lie? I'll just keep quiet. No need to talk. I can see her now. She is so very beautiful. I can't hardly wait to give her a hug and a big kiss! Door is open. Here I go...
Who I was Two Years ago.
A Lance Corporal in the United States Marine Corps. I am in Camp Fallujah with the 1st Combat Logistics Battalion, Charlie Company, Operations Platoon. Today, I finished packing all my gear and ready to make movement to our new home in Ramadi. Tomorrow we travel into the city. Ahead of the rest of the Battalion, we are on a route recon mission to make sure there is no visible threat on the way to our new location. I Enjoy being with my best friends. The missions are very tough and its extremely hot this time of year. Morale is kinda low but my friends and I keep our heads up. I would never make it without them. All I think about is getting home safely but I never let it cloud my mind. The mission comes first. So far, we have not had to fire our weapons once! Much better than the first time I came to Fallujah... I love and miss my wife very much. And my pug, Yoda. I miss that little fucker too!!
One year Ago.
I stay in my room all day. The tension is thick between us. I hate her for not being able to understand. I hate myself for not being able to confide in her. I can't help but think of the affair all the time. I try to open up to her but fail. Its like my trust towards her is trapped inside a brick wall. Oh well...
Yoda, pisses on the carpet a lot. Outside he goes again!! Mom doesn't come by to visit like I wish she would. Kinda makes me sad a little. I have to go by and talk to dad though. Been having bad dreams again. Whenever we talk, I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. He is a very wise man. Hell, If only I could be half the man that he is. Such a strong individual.
Got a job interview coming up!! This new job should be fun. Easy, normal people job. This whole phasing into the civilian lifestyle thing isn't so hard. Not as hard as the Marine Corps made it seem. I think their just trying to scare us into not getting out. Glad I did though.
Happy, happy, happy...
Who I am today.
My name is Eric and I live in Odessa, Texas. I work in the medical field and deal with good people on a daily basis. My hobbies include: gaming, writing, music and spending time alone. I have strong Atheist beliefs but few people know. I am currently going through a divorce. She moved back to Florida and I haven't seen her in almost a year. She took the dog too..
Money is very tight and I'm not really coping too well with my dad leaving our family. He ran off with some slut. I hate him...
Not feeling very happy today either. I have bouts with my depression, and I am very lonely. I have flashbacks about 3 times a day. Its pretty much the same one, over and over again. I find concentrating on tasks very difficult. I've been having trouble sleeping and very bad dreams when I do. I wish someone would come and hold me now... I trust no one and I don't think anyone trusts me either. That's okay. I have become quite the chameleon. But you know who I really am, don't you?? I can always talk to my lonely, little blog. :-)
ej
Tomorrow I ship off to boot camp. I am so stoked!! I am ready to become one of the few. I just finished watching Full Metal Jacket and I am pumped up to get out of this town!! My mom and dad had a big party for my going away and got to see my chick. I'm gonna miss her. I'm gonna miss everyone! Semper Fi!
Who I was, Thanksgiving Day 2005.
Inmate# 561, Base Brig. My parents came to see me today. They drove all the way from Texas to see me for a few short hours. I wish I could go home. I don't belong here. I have been incarcerated for a little more than a month now and my girl doesn't come by much anymore. The last time I saw her, she reeked of booze and couldn't keep awake during our visitation. I don't like waiting a whole week just to "maybe" see her. Thinking of her keeps me going strong. I miss her so much. She's probably going though hell just like me. As long as we keep praying, God will help us pull though. I have faith in my heart. Just another month left. I can do this.
Who I was, August 2006.
I am a Private in the USMC. We just landed in Kuwait and it is hot as hell! I have now officially earned my overseas deployment ribbon! We fly to TQ tomorrow and then convoy to Fallujah. This is what I've trained for. I am gonna come back home a war hero and tell my stories to everyone. I gotta say that I am a little scared though. The older Marines tell ugly stories about this place. They say that combat is a guarantee and that not all of us will come home. But I am ready. This is my calling. Ooh-Rah!!
Who I was, March 2007.
Camp Pendleton. I can see them though the windows. Waiting for us with their giant signs waving in the air. "Welcome Home" I grab my gear and get ready to get off the bird. I'm looking for my wife but can't find her. There are too many people here...
I did it. I made it home. Something is wrong inside though. I'm scared to get off the plane. Everyone is going to want to ask me about the war.. what do I tell them? Do I lie? I'll just keep quiet. No need to talk. I can see her now. She is so very beautiful. I can't hardly wait to give her a hug and a big kiss! Door is open. Here I go...
Who I was Two Years ago.
A Lance Corporal in the United States Marine Corps. I am in Camp Fallujah with the 1st Combat Logistics Battalion, Charlie Company, Operations Platoon. Today, I finished packing all my gear and ready to make movement to our new home in Ramadi. Tomorrow we travel into the city. Ahead of the rest of the Battalion, we are on a route recon mission to make sure there is no visible threat on the way to our new location. I Enjoy being with my best friends. The missions are very tough and its extremely hot this time of year. Morale is kinda low but my friends and I keep our heads up. I would never make it without them. All I think about is getting home safely but I never let it cloud my mind. The mission comes first. So far, we have not had to fire our weapons once! Much better than the first time I came to Fallujah... I love and miss my wife very much. And my pug, Yoda. I miss that little fucker too!!
One year Ago.
I stay in my room all day. The tension is thick between us. I hate her for not being able to understand. I hate myself for not being able to confide in her. I can't help but think of the affair all the time. I try to open up to her but fail. Its like my trust towards her is trapped inside a brick wall. Oh well...
Yoda, pisses on the carpet a lot. Outside he goes again!! Mom doesn't come by to visit like I wish she would. Kinda makes me sad a little. I have to go by and talk to dad though. Been having bad dreams again. Whenever we talk, I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. He is a very wise man. Hell, If only I could be half the man that he is. Such a strong individual.
Got a job interview coming up!! This new job should be fun. Easy, normal people job. This whole phasing into the civilian lifestyle thing isn't so hard. Not as hard as the Marine Corps made it seem. I think their just trying to scare us into not getting out. Glad I did though.
Happy, happy, happy...
Who I am today.
My name is Eric and I live in Odessa, Texas. I work in the medical field and deal with good people on a daily basis. My hobbies include: gaming, writing, music and spending time alone. I have strong Atheist beliefs but few people know. I am currently going through a divorce. She moved back to Florida and I haven't seen her in almost a year. She took the dog too..
Money is very tight and I'm not really coping too well with my dad leaving our family. He ran off with some slut. I hate him...
Not feeling very happy today either. I have bouts with my depression, and I am very lonely. I have flashbacks about 3 times a day. Its pretty much the same one, over and over again. I find concentrating on tasks very difficult. I've been having trouble sleeping and very bad dreams when I do. I wish someone would come and hold me now... I trust no one and I don't think anyone trusts me either. That's okay. I have become quite the chameleon. But you know who I really am, don't you?? I can always talk to my lonely, little blog. :-)
ej
6.08.2010
I was cold.
Like the ink in my skin.
You are a black stain, within..
The love we had was so innocent,
spoils of the flesh, your letters, your scent..
Remember the time...
No, no you don't. The feelings, they were all mine.
Won't you try and see me?
Please, just look and try to see me.
The resin you left inside my heart,
To clean it out, I'm gonna rip it apart...
Next to the beaten path, where I walk.
Ill lay down the burden,
The concrete jungle, My piece of chalk...
Won't you try and see me?
Just look and try to see me...
You leave me lonely,
You keep my eyes on the floor...
Just like you to never want me,
I stay lying, shaking, waiting by your door...
The day you went with him-
I want to be your one and only victim...
Baby, why don't you see me.
I am right here, still.
Just look and see me.
I know that one day...
One day you will.
ej
6.07.2010
The invisible man
See me here... watch me walk away.
I need you to reach out. Please grab hold of me...
Hold my hand and pull me in. I don't want you to let go..
Embrace my soul, keep me from harm.
Cover... Safe cover.
Pull me closer, I love you...
I bury myself in the clear.
Fade into black.
Fade into heartbreak.
I am no one.
Am not because I must, I am because of you..
Only you, my love...
ej
I need you to reach out. Please grab hold of me...
Hold my hand and pull me in. I don't want you to let go..
Embrace my soul, keep me from harm.
Cover... Safe cover.
Pull me closer, I love you...
I bury myself in the clear.
Fade into black.
Fade into heartbreak.
I am no one.
Am not because I must, I am because of you..
Only you, my love...
ej
6.06.2010
I wanna drink coffee in a hyper-modern coffee house
I miss the metropolitan lifestyle. The pseudo-fad coffee houses, the awesome radio stations, the nightlife. Just the whole lifestyle, ya know? Its like, Odessa is this hot bed of negitive memories. The town is super small and memory hooks everywhere stick out like rusty nails from the garage in my back yard. I live like two blocks from my high school. Oh god, the pain and torment I endured inside those walls. There was the whole first love thing, which would have been fine had I actually confessed my love to her. Also the time I went in for my first kiss as a sophomore to an ugly ass beast of a girl in the hallway by her locker, AND THE HOUND LEANED BACK!!! I never made the kiss. Speaking of kissing beside the lockers, Cassandra, my official kinda-sorta girlfriend for about three whole days. I found her by my locker kissing some benchwarmer. It was homeroom period and I had to walk past them to get to my next class. So I did what any loser would do. Walked past them with my hands in my pocket, my head down and pretended I didn't notice. God forbid I get a tardy.
High school... A nightmare of constant emotional distress and outta control love hormones. Pass by that school every goddamn day. Well I'm older now. Much stronger and I'm a little better looking. Ditched the nerd garb and farmer jeans for a few tattoos, some manly facial hair and Dillard's finest mens clothing. I've pretty much gotten rid of my speech impediment. Picked up a few war stories from my time spent in the Marine Corps too!
And yet, loveless I remain... The memories here in my hometown. They sicken me just like tetanus. Not just the school. Its everywhere.. At the Sonic drive-in down the street, the coliseum, the street intersections, you name it. Even the parks!! I got arrested for trespassing at night while almost losing my virginity at a park. I was in a vehicle in the parking lot rounding third and making my way on the home stretch when I saw a flashlight turn on outside my window. Funny shit now but back then, fml dude, fml...
Id like to start clean. In a metro area like San Diego. Start new and exciting friendships. Meet new lovers and break THEIR hearts! Eat a real Belgian breakfast, have Greek for lunch and perhaps fresh Japanese sushi for dinner. All in the same day!!! Go to the coffee house and sit down with my $12 latte. Maybe write here on how pissed I'm am for being charged $12 for a latte, sheesh!! Im gonna go to a high profile lounge for the evening and sip on Mojitos with a special someone. Then take her home to my condo and bang the shit out of her. ;-)
When, who and how will I pay for this you ask? Now, You and with money donated by the Catholic church...
Good night and good day.
ej
High school... A nightmare of constant emotional distress and outta control love hormones. Pass by that school every goddamn day. Well I'm older now. Much stronger and I'm a little better looking. Ditched the nerd garb and farmer jeans for a few tattoos, some manly facial hair and Dillard's finest mens clothing. I've pretty much gotten rid of my speech impediment. Picked up a few war stories from my time spent in the Marine Corps too!
And yet, loveless I remain... The memories here in my hometown. They sicken me just like tetanus. Not just the school. Its everywhere.. At the Sonic drive-in down the street, the coliseum, the street intersections, you name it. Even the parks!! I got arrested for trespassing at night while almost losing my virginity at a park. I was in a vehicle in the parking lot rounding third and making my way on the home stretch when I saw a flashlight turn on outside my window. Funny shit now but back then, fml dude, fml...
Id like to start clean. In a metro area like San Diego. Start new and exciting friendships. Meet new lovers and break THEIR hearts! Eat a real Belgian breakfast, have Greek for lunch and perhaps fresh Japanese sushi for dinner. All in the same day!!! Go to the coffee house and sit down with my $12 latte. Maybe write here on how pissed I'm am for being charged $12 for a latte, sheesh!! Im gonna go to a high profile lounge for the evening and sip on Mojitos with a special someone. Then take her home to my condo and bang the shit out of her. ;-)
When, who and how will I pay for this you ask? Now, You and with money donated by the Catholic church...
Good night and good day.
ej
For You, I will...
Okay, so I'm giving in to you Sara... On only one condition. I want for you to start writing too. Start a blog here at blogspot and be my friend. Tell others about your blog or leave it as our own private guilty pleasure. You choose...
So here I go, I'm a little rusty but let me see if I can throw a bit a prose in between my ramblings.
"He was... my dad"
It was not so easy letting go. Watching the taillights blur away from me. Men leave their families everyday. Fathers, husbands and role models... all gone. I am 24 years old and watching my family collapse around me. My heart burned, My eyes stung and my rage pulled my hand into a fist... I fell to my knees and beat the ground until my fists bled. I stopped and nodded to myself. I stood up. Wiped myself off and looked at the house in front of me. My house. My home with my family inside. I rolled my shoulders back, leveled my head and started for the front door. The air outside cools the fire in my heart. Their will be a time for mourning. But today is not that day for me. Today is the day I become a brother and a son. This is my family and I am thankful. I will protect them from harm and I will not fail...
I got this...
ej
So here I go, I'm a little rusty but let me see if I can throw a bit a prose in between my ramblings.
"He was... my dad"
It was not so easy letting go. Watching the taillights blur away from me. Men leave their families everyday. Fathers, husbands and role models... all gone. I am 24 years old and watching my family collapse around me. My heart burned, My eyes stung and my rage pulled my hand into a fist... I fell to my knees and beat the ground until my fists bled. I stopped and nodded to myself. I stood up. Wiped myself off and looked at the house in front of me. My house. My home with my family inside. I rolled my shoulders back, leveled my head and started for the front door. The air outside cools the fire in my heart. Their will be a time for mourning. But today is not that day for me. Today is the day I become a brother and a son. This is my family and I am thankful. I will protect them from harm and I will not fail...
I got this...
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